I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
