I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
