It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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