Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize