I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
