have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
