He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
