you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
