Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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