Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
