pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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