Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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