I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
