Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
