I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
