i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
