after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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