so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
