I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
