Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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