Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
