dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
