i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
