like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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