Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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