My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize