how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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