he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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