I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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