Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
