listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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