I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
