i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize