I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
