i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
