he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
