I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
