I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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