If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
