I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
