you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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