That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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