You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
