So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
