He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
