youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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