I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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