Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
