i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
