literally had 100 drinks last night.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
