Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I think I just sharted jello shots
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
