I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
