i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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