so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
