If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Bring me that man meat
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize