You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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