I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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