I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
