just come out here and I will go home with you...
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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