I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
