I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
