Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
