so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
