I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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