You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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