Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
