he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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