those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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