mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize