the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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