weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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