The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
