I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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