you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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